Topic Two - Christmas

Ok, I’ll stick my hand’s up, I do have a problem with Christmas.

I am not a grumpy old man at Christmas, I am just a grumpy man at Christmas. I just hate it, I may go along with all the so called “traditional” things like Christmas dinner, presents and booze, but it is somewhat begrudgingly.

I still think the festive period is a Pagan festival hijacked by the Christians. But hey, people will disagree with me.

The poet Lucian of Samosata (AD 120-180) has the god Cronos (Saturn) say in his poem, Saturnalia: ‘During my week the serious is barred: no business allowed. Drinking and being drunk, noise and games of dice, appointing of kings and feasting of slaves, singing naked, clapping … an occasional ducking of corked faces in icy water – such are the functions over which I preside.’

Saturnalia originated as a farmer’s festival to mark the end of the autumn planting season in honour of Saturn (satus means sowing). Numerous archaeological sites from the Roman coastal province of Constantine, now in Algeria, demonstrate that the cult of Saturn survived there until the early third century AD.

So what does 21^st Century Christmas give us? Mass panic buying of things people don’t want; mass panic of eating so much you can’t move; mass panic of drinking excess alcohol that you fall out with family and friends; mass crap on TV which makes you wonder why you bother.

I could go on, but what’s the point. But let’s do a few things in some sort of order.

Shops and Advertising: As soon as All Hallows’ Eve is done and dusted, what’s next? Christmas. Talk about pumping things down your throat, it’s November for crying out loud. Someone told me once that Christmas doesn’t start until you see the Coke advert. Are we really influenced that much?

Before we even get into December something called “Black Friday” appears on our screens, followed closely by “Cyber Monday”. Can someone tell me what’s it all about? More mass panic, people getting up at the crack of dawn to queue outside stores to get something because it’s half price or whatever.

To be fair, I have had a bargain of two from Black Friday, but what happens when I got home? Switch the TV on and you’ll find a consumer programme or two saying that was the price back in January anyway. Thought I got a bargain, and it kicks me in the shins!

End of the day they want us to part with money. Money they rather be in their pocket than ours. I do not get sucked into it, I would rather have a pint of cider or two, go out for a meal than be conned into something I don’t want.

Then all the way through December we have adverts for this, adverts for that, just to make us spend money. Just please go away, I am not interested.What next over the festive period, Boxing Day Sales, New Year Sales! More things rammed down your throat, more money to spend on so called bargains, that is you waited until after Christmas to buy your screwdriver it would be 50% cheaper.

So here am I, sat down on Christmas afternoon, with my new screwdriver, watching an advert on TV saying that I can get that particular brand 50% cheaper than what it would’ve been before Christmas, I think I know how I would feel.

I suppose I could go back, get a refund, then buy the exact same one 50% cheaper. But I don’t expect it works like that!

Yes, the meaning of Christmas is lost, presents has become an awful word in my limited vocabulary, especially if you put the word Christmas before it.

Every year we ask the question to our nearest and dearest “what you want for Christmas?” They tell us and we go out and buy it. Why not just cut out the middleman, buy it yourself and it just saves less hassle.

So there I am handing out presents to whoever over the festive period, the majority of recipients say thank you. But there is always one. Ok, I do get grumpy, I do begrudge in buying things, but when I do, please say thank you. It does mean something.

On to television. What a load of rubbish I have to sit through on Christmas Day. No decent films, light entertainment or just anything to stimulate me. Good job I can turn it off and stick on some music. One year, there was so much trash on the telly, I was flicking through the channels and found Chas and Dave Christmas Knees Up. Brilliant, even though it was for the 80’s, this is what I want.

Morecambe and Wise, The Two Ronnie’s, bring it on, proper entertainment with plenty of laughter. And why are all the good films on when I am at work. Ok, I know I have seen them before, but I do like to watch films like The Great Escape, It’s a Wonderful Life and Citizen Kane (not shown enough on TV for my liking).

I remember one Christmas, a Christmas I was under the weather, I watched seven films on Christmas Day, and I hardly had a drop to drink!

Work parties is another bug bear of mine when it comes to the festive season. Gone are the days when you had a party in the office you work (health and safety took care of that), no more photocopying your backside, no more abusing managers after a glass of the strong stuff and things like that.

Nowadays a meal at the local pub / restaurant, followed by a few at other pubs around town. The only problem with that is that not everyone will go (some years even myself). But not everyone likes the sit down meal thing, they want to do something else which other think that is a bad idea.

Unfortunately you cannot please all of the people all of the time.

Who the hell decided Christmas bloody jumpers was a Christmas idea. They are just hideous and can someone tell me, what is the point of them? Something which is worn begrudgingly once a year, just why? Someone, somewhere has cornered the market there.

If I had a choice, I would spend Christmas on a remote island in the middle of the Indian Ocean, with music for company.

Topic one - All Things Motoring

Choosing a subject which is the biggest can of worms is not a great one to start with, as I could be here forever more doing this, but hey, what the hell.

According to the Office of National Statistics there were 35 million vehicles licensed for used on the road in Great Britain. Let’s just say they pay on average £100 for their car tax, that is approx £3,500,000,000 raised just from that tax and I still have a bloody pot hole at the end of my road.

We still have to pay duty on fuel, plus insurance tax and some other god earthly tax which hits motorist, so why are our roads in such a poor state? Where does that money go?

As for insurance, that’s another huge rip-off if I have ever seen one. You all know the story, your renewal comes round, the quote given is way above what you paid 12 months ago, so you phone them up telling them you are not paying it, they do a search and say: “oh yes, we can do £XXX”. Why the hell didn’t they do that in the first place?

My quote was about £100 more than last year, done a quick search, found I could do it for less, told the Insurance Company I am not paying it, what a surprise, they came back with another offer which was about the same for what I found online.

I had to change my address with the same said Insurance Company some 18 months ago, and they wanted to charge me £25 for the privilege. Nope, not doing it, I said I would take the risk and change companies when my insurance is up for renewal. Absolute rip off.

Is it any wonder there is a lot of angry motorists out there? Just to get your car on the road, it has to MoT’d, insured, taxed and add fuel. And all I want to do is to go to work and back, just a 20 mile round trip. Ok, I know I chose to live where I am, and perhaps I would do away with a car if I was in town living, but it seems so much for just a blooming car.

All this and I haven’t even touched on driving. Hands up who thinks you are a good driver...... nearly all of you, me included. But there are some real tossers’ out there.

We could go on and on about other people’s driving, as we all think we are in the right when it comes to being sat behind the wheel. But there are a few things which annoy me:

Ignorance – Something which really gets to me. You all know the scenario, down a country lane, meet a 4x4, they can’t find reverse, don’t worry I’ll reverse back half a mile, they drove by and they don’t even acknowledge you, not even eye contact.

Thankfully lorry drivers, tractor drivers, bus drivers (what are they doing down a country lane), all gives you the thumbs up, good for them.

Going back to ignorance, there are some arseholes that look down on you like you are a piece of shit. A certain person, who lives in the Stowey area, who is about 5’ tall and who shall remain nameless, but I do hope you know who I mean, is a complete dick when it comes to driving his 4x4.

One day, I encountered his 4x4 in Stowey, it was in the middle of the road, engine still running while he was in the paper shop getting god knows what from the shop (I don’t really care). I Stopped in front of his 4x4 (a black Range Rover with the registration number 1 TWAT).

When he came out he said to me: “you’ll have to move I’m in a hurry”.

My response was, between expletives, was no. By then a queue of traffic had built up behind me and behind him. I don’t think he knew what was happening. So after about half an hour, a few people finger wagging, saying “if you parked properly” and words like that, Stowey was somewhat gridlocked, and I think he was still in a hurry (ha bloody ha).

Eventually we all managed to do a bit of reversing, make some room and he went on his jolly way, looking down on us from his 4x4 like we are a piece of shit. Tosser.

Non-signalling around a roundabout– Now I am not a mind reader, but please give me and other road users a signal so we know where you are going. Sorry if I pull out in front of you, but hey I thought you was going straight on, not going right.

Overtaking – I do hate being tailgated. There is always someone who wants to overtake you, so what do they do, they sit on your rear bumper waiting for their opportunity to pounce. Then they see their opportunity, go past you only then to get behind someone else and tailgate them.

Then what happens, you come to the next town and pull up beside them at the first set of traffic lights. Oh how I love giving them a glance and a wry smile.

I do hate being tailgated (think I said that before), and given the opportunity I would let a car pass me in safe place. I would rather have them out of my way ahead of me, as they are more off putting behind me, especially when it’s dark and their lights are in my mirrors.

I see a lot of this when I travel on the A39 between Nether Stowey and Bridgwater, or even between Stowey and Minehead. There are only a handful of safe places to overtake on that road, and yet we still see it day in day out, cars weaving in and out trying to overtake or even doing so when it’s dangerous. And alas we pull up beside them at the next junction or get behind them when they get stuck behind another car.

I was travelling back from Bridgwater one day, this car suddenly appeared from nowhere behind me, he overtook me, only to get stuck behind a small posse of about four cars. He was itching to get pass them. When they got to the Stowey bypass, he seized his opportunity, passed one, was going to pass the next only to be thwarted by a lorry coming in the other direction.  He managed to squeeze back in between two cars, narrowly avoiding a head on collision.

Now for those who know the Stowey bypass, there is now traffic lights at the Stogursey end of the village. This driver seized the moment. The lights were on red, he pulled into the right hand lane, which is for filter traffic to turn right, the lights for straight on turned green, and you guess it he pulled away overtaking the cars somewhat idiotically and dangerously. Oh, there is never a police car when you need them!

Another favourite for idiots overtaking is between Stowey and Taunton. For crying out loud, it’s a country lane not a racing track. I have been overtaken on that road many a time in places which you wouldn’t believe and have seen some very near misses. Have also been witness to an accident as someone was overtaking on a bend, only to see another car coming in the opposite direction, now that was nasty.

You may have a bigger, newer, more powerful car than me, but please don’t put my life or anyone else’s at risk. You may know the road, but do you know what is around the corner. Besides, you are probably breaking the speed limit anyway; it is there for a reason.

Someone asked me recently this scenario: If you’ve been driving along, someone overtakes you dangerously, putting you at risk. A mile later, you then find the car and driver in an accident, would you stop and be concerned, would you stop and give him an earful or would you drive on?

Road rage / angry drivers – I wouldn’t say they annoy me, but they do make me laugh. However, having heard and read about someone being badly beaten over a car parking space in a supermarket, it is a serious matter.

I just wonder why people get angry when they drive, it seems they get behind the wheel and the red mist comes down. Look, if something happens, instead of going on one and potentially getting arrested and being thrown in a cell, take a deep breath, accept it and move on.

I have seen people jump out of their car and run over to another motorist because that motorist lane hopped. Crikey mate, no one was hurt, did your car get damaged and who looks an idiot, yes you do. Plus you are now holding up the traffic because you want your own little spat with someone, why?

Just get on with it, no one is hurt, you will get idiots out there who think they know better and they will soon get their comeuppance (I hope). 

White van man – Sorry, your reputation goes before you. How can you be on your mobile, drink your coffee, eat your bacon butty and drive at the same time?

You are probably the cause of all the above; ignorance, non-signalling, overtaking and road rage.

Street signs – There are just too many of them. Perhaps it’s because of this Political Correctness society we live in today.

Have a look when you drive down some roads. Countless 6’ poles with a tiny sign on it, then about 10 yards later another 6’ pole with another sign on it and it goes on and on and on!

Too many sign, too many sign poles, to bloody confusing. It just clutters up the highway. Does anyone really know what all the signs mean? Thought not.

As I said, I am not the world’s best driver, I never claim to be. All I want to do is get to work and back.

Next time - Christmas!

Introduction

I expect most of you all want is a simple life, but why is life so complicated and, to be frank, bloody well annoying.

Quick answer – people. We are all different, which can be just great, I love people watching, but there are people out there who make life a complete misery.

I am a simple man, who likes simple things. I am not ready to be classed as a “grumpy old man”, well not yet. I am not a Victor Meldrew, I am me, Mark Sells, who lives with my lovely fiancée, in a modern little terraced house in a pretty village.

I like to laugh, I love silliness, I enjoy all things village and rural where there’s a relaxed aura about the place. I enjoy a nice pint of cider, a game of cricket and classical music to relax and watch sunsets.

I enjoy breaks in the UK (during term time off course), tasting the local food and sampling the local ales.

But don’t things just annoy you? And can someone tell me what normal is?

Since October 13^th, when things did really annoy me, I have made observations of things which I find blooming annoying, some of which made me smile at the end.

How did me day go rapidly downhill on Tuesday October 13^th?

That day was a pretty horrendous day to say the least, it seems that everyone wanted to piss me off on Tuesday, well in fact it got worse; pretty hard to believe, well personally I thought it wouldn’t get any worse.

My friends and colleagues were somewhat supportive, with their comments on social media with things like: “Didn’t know they reduced it to a day,” and “I’ll make sure it lasts a week.” What are friends for?

So what did annoy me on that particular day in October, well here we go:

• Parking space pinched as I was just about to reverse in to it.
• Car washers in supermarket car parks, felt like I was being threatened to have my car washed.
• ASDA in general. I still haven’t forgotten the broken tooth I found in box of Crunchy Nut Flakes, just look out!
• Inconsiderate drivers, especially van drivers. No you don’t own the road.
• Drivers who don’t signal their intentions on a roundabout – I am not a mind reader.
• An idiot who tried to overtake on a corner, suddenly a huge lorry came around the bend, he didn’t have enough power to finish his manoeuvre, brake suddenly then go back in behind. And then when he reached the traffic lights, which are on red, move over to the filter lane to overtake once it turned to amber, annoying all drivers in the queue. Not bad, nearly two accidents in a space of 100 yards.  It’s the innocent who suffer matey boy!
• Car insurance renewal. £100 more than last year, sorry not paying it. The same company who tried to charge me £25 to change my address last year. Sorry, not paying it.
• Mobile Phones. I am sure EE stands for Everything Everywhere. Now that is a contradiction in terms if I have ever heard one. Sorry EE, it doesn’t mean that whatsoever.

I could go on; in fact my week went downhill from Tuesday. I even found that a crack had appeared on my windscreen to round off the week nicely.

So over the next year I will explore different things in everyday life what makes me annoyed, and ask the question why no on numerous occasions. I may even fall in to one of the categories, and I expect I do.

Let’s make October 13^th 2016 “National Piss Mark Sells Off Day”. Put it in your diaries.